


Written Words

by thMaddHatter



Series: The Magic is in the Words [5]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Abandonment Issues, Angst, Canonical Character Death, Daddy Issues, Diary/Journal, Elisa Martin, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/M, Homophobic Language, Implied Childhood Sexual Abuse, Inferiority Complex, Isaac Feels, Lydia Has a Sister, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV First Person, Sad Isaac, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Trigger Warnings, bb!Isaac, big brother complex, big brother issues, descriptions of physical abuse, warning: this will make your heart hurt, young isaac
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-06-18
Updated: 2014-07-28
Packaged: 2018-02-05 04:46:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1805821
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thMaddHatter/pseuds/thMaddHatter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>****Warning: Slow to Update****</p><p>After his mother's death, Isaac is instructed by his doctor to keep a journal to help him cope.</p><p>This is a companion piece for "The Magic is In the Words" series. Therefore it starts before that series takes place, but continues on during (and possibly after) that series. Reading "The Magic is In the Words" won't be strictly necessary in the beginning, but once it passes the end of season 3, it will definitely be a must in order to understand.</p><p>As it is a companion piece, it will be updated as I am writing the other stories. So when I say slow to update, it shouldn't be unrealistic for it to go months without an update to avoid spoiling the other stories.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Red Composition Notebook

**Author's Note:**

> There will be spelling and grammatical errors in this, mostly in the beginning. They are intentional. I wrote it this way to convey Isaac getting older and learning more as the time goes by between journal entries.
> 
> However, this is not beta'd either, so no promises that you won't get any later on by accident.
> 
> Also... I may have made a few guesses on the timeline of things.

March 12th 2006

The doctor says I have post tramatick stress disorder. I’m not sure what that means. He says its why I keep shaking and why sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe when I’m in the car. I have nitemares to and sometimes I cry when the lights flash. Dad says I’m just being a little bich. I’m trying to be strong, but every time I close my eyes I see mom in the car. I can’t stop thinking about the night of the acsident. I have dreams about when the truck hit us. I remember seeing mom flying around the car and I remember how it felt when it rolled. It rolled for a long time. She just kept smacking the doors and the glass over and over. There was so much blood. The doctor said this was suposed to help me feel better. Now I’m just scared again. I need to go find Cam.

April 7th 2006

The school cownsiller told me to try writing in a jernal again. I don’t think it’s going to help. It didn’t help before. Whatever. This is stupid. I just need to toughen up like dad says. Camden is strong. I need to be more like Cam. He’s the best at everything and he always protects me when dad is drinking. He hangs out with me when I’m all alone too now that Matt won’t talk to me anymore. Unless he’s busy with his girlfriend Elisa Martin. She’s really pretty and has beautiful red hair. She has a sister my age too. I think her name is Linda or something. I don’t remember. She’s not very nice. Camden and Elisa took us to get ice cream together, but she didn’t talk to me the whole time except when she told me I had a black eye. She said I should learn to fight better. But my dad is the one who gave it to me and I don’t think I can learn how to fight him. I’m not strong enough or good enough. Camden is good enough. That’s why dad doesn’t get him like he gets me. I just need to be more like Cam and I won’t get any more black eyes.

April 8th 2006

I really miss mom. I didn’t mean to, but Dad was drinking again. He kept talking about mom and I started crying. Camden wasn’t here to protect me. I couldn’t stop when he told me to shut up. I really tried. I really did. He pushed me down the stairs again. I didn’t hit my head this time, so I don’t have to go to the hospital. That’s good. Dad always hates it when I have to go to the hospital. Then we have to tell people what happened but we’re not allowed to do that. What happens in this house stays in this house. That’s what mom always used to say. I really miss her. I wish she didn’t die so I could go hug her. Her hugs always made me feel better after dad would get me. At least dad can’t get her anymore.

April 13th 2006

I rode in a car today and I didn’t shake at all. I think I’m getting better. Dad was right. I just needed to toughen up like Cam. He leaves a lot lately. I don’t know where he goes. I hope he got a new job. Then maybe he wouldn’t have time to drink so much anymore. I hate it when he drinks. He gets so mad. He should just stop. That makes so much more sense. I don’t understand why he does it if it just makes him mad. Why would he want to be mad all the time?

April 17th 2006

Dad did get a job. He works at the cemetery. I think he’s the manajer or something. I don’t know. That place is creepy. It makes me think of Mom too much. He doesn’t drink when he goes there so that’s even better. He still drinks when he comes home. He threttend to lock me in the freezer today. But he didn’t come to get me so I don’t think he will. I hate when he takes me down to the basement. He always makes me do the worst stuff in there. I don’t even want to think about it. Camden can’t protect me down there.

April 20th 2006

I have a new naybor. His name is Jackson. He’s got blond hair and really nice blue eyes. He didn’t talk to me, but I hope he can be my friend. His Dad didn’t seem very nice either. Maybe his Dad gets him too. I hope not. It really sucks. But it would be nice to know somebody that understands me. Without Matt nobody talks to me anymore. But I won’t talk about Dad at all. I know better than that. I hope Jackson comes to school with me. Maybe we could walk together. That would be great! I really hope he can be my friend.

April 20th 2006 again

Oh my god Camden is the best brother ever! He took me next door to go talk to the new naybers. Jackson was there and his parents let him come over to hang out in the backyard. He’s so cool. He knows how to play lacrosse! I know they play it at the high school but I’ve never played before. Jackson taught me about it and it was fun. He kept slamming in to me over and over. It kinda hurt but it was fun. I can’t believe he gets to be my new friend! I like him so much! He said he used to live in Beacon Hills before but his dad moved to Sacramento for his job. Now he moved back and they live in a bigger house. He likes the big house but he says he still doesn’t like his parents. I don’t know why. They seem pretty nice. Maybe his dad does get him like mine does.

April 27th 2006

I did something weird today. Well its not that weird cause I know Cam does it but I never did it before. I was in the shower and I was touching my thing. You know the thing. It felt really good. No wonder Cam does it. It felt the best right before this weird stuff came out. It was kinda gross but I was in the shower so I just washed it down the drain. I’m probably going to do it again later if I can.

April 27th 2006 again

I told Cam about what I did. He called it jacking off. He said congratulations and please don’t tell him about it again but he was laughing the whole time. He said defanitly don’t tell Dad so I won’t. I went back to school today and Jackson was there. He didn’t really talk to me though. He hung out with this other kid Danny. I guess they were friends when he lived here before. I guess that’s cool. Maybe we can all 3 be friends.

April 28th 2006

Jackson didn’t talk to me at school again. I’m not sure he really wants to be my friend anymore. I tried to invite him over again but he was busy. Dad hasn’t gotten me in a long time. I’m glad he has his new job. It keeps him from drinking so much. He threttend to lock me in the freezer again but I don’t think he would do that. Tonight I saw Cam having sex with Elisa. I wasn’t really spying on them. They were just downstairs on the couch. How was I supposed to know not to go down there? It sounded kinda gross but they sure seemed to be enjoying it. I kinda want to try it. It’s just like jacking off only with another person. I was jacking off in the shower tonight and I was thinking about Jackson. That’s kinda the same thing right? I don’t know. I’m not sure if that’s weird or not.

May 1st 2006

I didn’t go to school today. Dad got me last night and he took me to the basement. I hate it so much. He always does the weirdest stuff to me down their. And he kept calling me a faggot. I’m not a faggot I swear! I’m not! There’s nothing wrong with me. I’m perfectly okay. I just wish Dad understood that. He doesn’t need to punish me anymore. I’ll do everything he says. I’ll listen and I’ll be good. I’ll do sports and I’ll be a man and I’ll stop crying. I’ll be strong I swear! Just like Cam. I’ll be tough just like Cam. Just don’t take me down there anymore please!


	2. Black Spiral Notebook With a Cursive "I" on the Front

May 15th 2006

Dad found my jernal and he took me back into the basement again. This time he did lock me in the freezer. He wasn’t even drunk this time! It was so scary and he wouldn’t let me out. He ripped my notebook up and threw it in there with me. It was so cold in there and I was screaming for so long. My throat was sore and I couldn’t talk for days. I don’t remember when he took me out but I woke up at the hospital. They wrapped me up in so many blankets and hooked me up to an IV drip that made me warmer. I hate IVs. They always hurt my hand. But it was in my arm this time. Dad was really mad that I had to go to the hospital. He had to come up with a whole story that I was playing hide and seek and fell asleep inside the freezer. I hate lying to the nurses. I’m not allowed to see Jackson again. Dad says if I so much as look at him I’ll be back in the freezer. I promise I won’t. I don’t think he wants to be my friend anyways. I don’t have any friends. No one wants to be my friend. I’m all alone. I’m not good enough. All I have is Cam and my jernal. I really like my jernal and I want to keep writing it. I don’t feel so lonely when I can write in it. So here’s a new one. I’ll just have to hide it in a safe place so Dad doesn’t find it. Camden is my brother so he’s not going anywhere. He’ll always be here. I miss Mom so much!

May 20th 2006

Today we had to do STAR testing. It’s so boring because all we do is sit around all day. At least we can go home early. Cam’s school isn’t doing their testing right now so I had to walk home by myself. I was at the house all by myself for a long time so I practiced running in the back yard. I’m a fast runner and I’ve been growing a lot lately so I should get even faster. Maybe I can join the track team when I start middle school next year. I think that would be a good sport. Dad might like that. I wish I could have practiced lacrosse but I don’t have any gear for it. Lacrosse was pretty fun. I hope my middle school has a lacrosse team.

May 25th 2006

Dad hasn’t been drinking much lately. I’m really worried because he still gets so mad. He hasn’t gotten me since he put me in the freezer but I’ve been listening really well. I’ve done everything he says and I haven’t made any mistakes. I’m still not as good as Cam. But I don’t think my Dad loves me like he loves Cam. He never gets Cam. He never even yells at him. I just wish I could be as good as him so dad won’t yell at me or get me either. Cam is just perfect. He’s so smart and he’s athletick and strong. He’s good looking too. People always used to tell us he was so handsome just like our Dad. I looked just like Mom with my curly hair and blue eyes. Maybe that’s why Dad doesn’t get Cam, because he’s just like him. But he gets me cause I’m just like mom and he used to get her too. I wish I was more like Cam.

May 31st 2006

Today is Mom’s birthday. Dad didn’t go to work today. He’s been drinking at the house all day. Cam took me out to get flowers for mom’s grave. I really tried not to but I cried when he brought me there. I just couldn’t stop and I was shaking again. I haven’t shaken like that in a really long time. It was a really good thing Dad wasn’t there. He would have been so mad that I wasn’t being a man about it. There was another kid my age at the cemetery too. I think he goes to my school. I couldn’t remember his name cause he’s not in my class. He was crying too and his dad was hugging him. Someone should have told them to man up too. Boys don’t cry. His dad was a cop. Maybe he just forgot.

June3rd 2006

Cam graduated today. I’m so proud of him. Elisa gave him a big kiss on the mouth right in front of everyone. It made him so happy. She graduated too and she’s going to a nice college in the fall. She kept saying she’s going to miss him so much. I don’t know why. She’s not even leaving yet. Dad came to Cam’s graduation. He let him have a party but I have to stay upstairs. Their making a lot of noise and I think their drinking alcohol too. I can’t sleep. At least Dad doesn’t usually get me when there’s company over so I don’t have to worry about him drinking tonight.

June 10th 2006

NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! He can’t do this! He can’t leave! Cam can’t leave me here by myself! No! He can’t leave me too! Why is he leaving me? Who’s going to protect me when Dad drinks too much? He can’t join the military. I can’t do this by myself! I’m not strong enough. I’m not good enough. I can’t handle Dad like he can. I’m not as good as him! I’m not as smart as him! I’m not good looking like Cam! I’m short and stupid and I’m not good at sports. I’m a weakling and a sissy. I’m just a stupid worthless faggot! He can’t leave me! How can he abandon me? He doesn’t want me! Cam doesn’t want to be around me anymore! He doesn’t want me. No one wants me. I’m worthless. I’m nothing. What am I going to do? I can’t do anyt-

June 11th 2006

I can’t do this. It’s too much. The mess is too big. How am I supposed to fix this? The whole house is trashed. We can’t even use most of this stuff anymore. At least I’m not in the freezer anymore. At least it wasn’t so cold this time. I can’t clean the house by myself. I need help. I need Cam. Dad destroyed everything. He was so mad that Cam left for basic training. He came right in my room in the middle of the night and destroyed everything. He got me really bad this time and he shaved my hair off. I hate it. My arm really hurts from when he threw me over the banister to the bottom floor. I think it might be broken. How could Cam leave me here all alone? I don’t have anyone else. I can’t do this by myself.

June 16th 2006

I ccna barely mobve mmmy fnigers therye beleeeeding toooo o mcuch. Im sorryrr. I’m sory. Im jsut not gooid enooughh.

June 29th 2006

My fingers are finally good enough to write again. They were so bloody from the last time Dad put me in the freezer. I hate it in there. Its so small its like I can’t breathe. I just wanted to get out so bad I was so scared. It so much worse without Cam here. I try to leave and spend the days somewhere else while Dad’s at work. But Cam is gone and Jackson won’t talk to me and Matt hasn’t talked to me in a long time and Lydia doesn’t even like me and I don’t have any other friends. I don’t know where to go or what to do anymore. The summer’s not even halfway over and I just can’t wait to start middle school already.

July 4th 2006

Dad got really drunk tonight. Like really drunk. I had to get him to the hospital and they pumped his stomach. They said he could have died. I don’t want him to die cause then who would I have? Everybody else left. He’s all I got now.

August 13th 2006

School is starting soon. I’m really glad I won’t have to be alone anymore. Maybe I can make some friends this year. I was reading the papers we got in the mail and my new school has a lacrosse team. I can’t wait. It’ll make my Dad so happy when I’m playing a sport just like Cam was. Lacrosse doesn’t start until spring though so I think I’ll do track too. I’ve been growing a lot this summer. I can tell because my knees are starting to hurt a lot more when I get cramped in the freezer. Before they barely hurt at all. Now they hurt right away. I try not to scratch the sides anymore either because that just hurts my fingers. Sometimes I just panick so much that I can’t stop myself.

September 11th 2006

The kids who was at the cemetery with me and Cam is in one of my classes. I still don’t remember his name. The teacher kept asking him how to pronounce it so it must be really hard. He kept saying something over and over I don’t know what it was I think it was chinese or something. I know he speaks english too though. He was talking a mile a minute. He wouldn’t be quiet for anything and Mr. Munos had to send him out of the class. I think Dad is going to let me ride my bike to school from now on since Cam can’t give me a ride anymore. I sure hope so cause it takes forever just walking.

September 15th 2006

That yappy kid is called Stiles and boy does he freaking talk. He got sent out of class every day this week. I think the teacher might not let him back after this. I don’t think he likes him much. Dad’s been really busy at the cemetery lately. I guess there’s a lot of paperwork to do or something cause not that many people have been dying. I think he’s going to forget my birthday again. It’s going to be my first birthday without Cam and Mom here. Cam sent me a letter saying that he’s been assigned to Fort Irwin for now. It’s in California somewhere but it’s not nearby. He thinks he’s going to be sent overseas soon. I hope not it’s really dangerous over there and people are dying all the time. He’s not a soldier he’s my brother and he belongs in Beacon Hills.

September 22nd 2006

I was right. Dad forgot my birthday.

October 15th 2006

Dad says I’m too old for trick or treating. I don’t think so. A lot of the kids at school are planning to go. Besides I just want free candy. I don’t see anything wrong with that. I’m not going to argue though. I know better than that. I think I’m doing better with Dad. He hasn’t put me in the freezer not even once for 3 whole weeks. That’s really good. He did give me a big purple bruise when he dragged me down the stairs the other day. And I had a busted lip from when he hit my head on the knob in the shower. But mostly he hasn’t got me much. I still haven’t made any friends yet. But Middle school has only just started. I still have time to make more friends.


	3. Yellow Spiral Notebook with a Spiderman Sticker on the Front

November 25th 2006

Dad found my journal again. He didn’t read it this time, but he knew what it was just by looking. It’s my fault really. I’m so stupid. I left it in my binder and left my binder on the bed. I’m so dumb, I should have known better than that. He was very mad that I was still doing it. He said that only sissies keep diaries. But it’s not a diary. It’s a journal and my english teacher even said it was a good idea to have one. She said that writing a lot is good for you. Dad locked me in the freezer for a really long time this time. I was in there so long that I peed myself and even pooped a little. It was horrible. I just had to lay there for so long, and there was nothing I could do about it. When he finally let me out, it turned out that I had been in there for almost 3 days. I completely missed Thanksgiving and everything. It sucks. I cleaned the freezer out once he let me out. Now it smells completely pristine, like bleach and flowery soap. I cleaned myself afterwards. I was in the shower so long to get the smell off. Now everything is clean. I really need to be more careful with this journal. I’m giving it a new hiding spot just in case.

December 23rd 2006

I’m not sure if Dad is still working at the cemetery. He hasn’t been there for a long time. He never tells me anything like he used to tell Cam. He’s been drinking a lot lately. Mostly I’ve been able to avoid him but I’m on winter break now and it’s wet and rainy outside. I can only do so much. I really hope I don’t get put in the freezer again. I hate it. I hate it so much. I want that to be my Christmas present. I want to stay out of the freezer.

December 26th 2006

I didn’t get my Christmas wish.

January 1st 2007

I got a call from Camden. I was so happy. I tried really hard not to cry. I did anyways, but only a little. I didn’t whine or beg or do anything else that was girly or gay either. I think I’m improving a lot. Talking to Cam more just makes me sadder when he hangs up. I haven’t seen Dad in a few days. I think he was fired. I don’t know how we’re going to pay the bills now. I’m too young to get a job. I don’t know what we’re going to do.

January 3rd 2007

Dad wasn’t fired. He also really didn’t appreciate me asking about it. He put me in the freezer again. It’s getting really small. I hate it in there. Sometimes when I’m in there for too long I just wish that I could die. I get so scared and panicked that I can barely control myself and I just scratch at the walls until my fingers bleed. Sometimes I scratch longer than that. Those are the days when I can’t write in my journal at all.

January 8th 2007

My hair has finally grown out enough that you can tell it’s curly again. I like it much better like this. Shaved off, it gives my head a weird shape. Also the curls make me look more like my Mom. I miss her a lot.

That annoying kid Stiles was strangely quiet at school today. I think this is the first time he wasn’t talking through the whole lesson. I wonder why. Something must have happened to him at home to make him listen better. I hope his Dad didn’t get him. His Dad seemed nice that day at the cemetery. I hope he wouldn’t do something like that to anybody.

I tried out for the lacrosse team today. I wasn’t really good, but I hope I make it. My Dad would be so pleased to see I’m on a team. Stiles and his mexican friend tried out for the team too. Stiles sucked worse than I did and his friend had asthma and couldn’t even run back and forth across the field. I don’t think they’ll make it.

I was jacking off in the shower again while my Dad was gone. This time I was thinking of Stiles. I’m pretty sure that’s kinda gay. It freaks me out. I’m not gay. I’m not a little bitch or a faggot. It’s just something weird. I shouldn’t talk about it anymore.

January 12th 2007

I made the lacrosse team. I’m really happy. Jackson and Danny made the team too. So did Stiles and his friend who is named Scott. Since we’re teammates, maybe we can all be hang out now. We’ll see.

I told my Dad I made the team. He wasn’t as happy as I hoped he would be, but he wasn’t mad. I guess that’s what counts. He did seem to be in a better mood though. I accidentally knocked a cup over at dinner, but he didn’t get angry. He just told me to clean it up. He didn’t even yell or anything. He did leave and I haven’t seen him for the rest of the night.

I hope he comes to my first game. I want my Dad to be proud of me. He was always so proud of Cam.

February 14th 2007

It’s Valentine’s Day. I didn’t get any valentines. I usually never do. Camden would bring me a bunch of cards and would just let me eat all of his chocolates. That can’t happen this year. He’s at Fort Irwin and can’t get them to me. Do they even eat chocolates in the military? Its really strict there, so maybe its not allowed. I don’t know. I hope Cam calls me again soon. Then I can ask him.

No one really talks to me very much at school. I know I’m going to be there for a long time more, so I won’t be alone forever. It would just be really nice if there was someone I could talk to at lunch instead of just reading my comic books. I guess I’m just not good enough for friends.

Or valentines.

March 6th 2007

Yesterday was the anniversary of the day Mom died. I tried not to cry at all, but I just couldn’t stop the tears. So I hid under my bed under a lot of blankets so Dad wouldn’t hear me. I was under there a long time.

I hate crying. It makes me so weak. I don’t want to be a weak little bitch! I want to be strong! Like Cam! I’ve never seen him cry. I just want Mom to be proud of me. But how can she be proud of me if Dad can’t even stand me?

I’m sorry Mom. I try to be good! I try so hard! I really do! I just don’t know what I can do to be any better. I don't know how to be good enough. I wish Cam was here to show me.

March 17th 2007

It’s St Patrick’s Day and I haven’t seen Dad since almost 2 weeks ago. I know he comes home because his stuff keeps moving around. He’s just never at the house when I am. I’m not sure if I should be happy about that or not. He hasn’t gotten me in a long time. I’m definitely happy about that. But when I don’t see him, then I really don’t talk to anyone and I hate that.

He’s probably avoiding me. He doesn’t want to see my face anymore. It wouldn’t be the first time he avoided me on purpose.

March 19th 2007

I didn’t go to school today. The entire left side of my face is bruised and my dad doesn’t want anyone to see. I don’t want them to see either. I don’t want anyone to know how much of a fuck up I am. I’m a worthless piece of shit and I just don’t want anyone to know.

My dad was avoiding me before. I finally saw him late on St Patrick’s Day. He was completely drunk. I thought he was passed out on the floor in the doorway to his room. But when I tried to help him onto the bed, he grabbed me by the hair and slammed my face into the headboard. He pushed me on the bed and he did the kind of thing that he usually only does in the basement. That was the first time he’d done anything like that upstairs and it’s never been that bad before. That terrifies me, because I never want him to do it again. But if he will do it that bad upstairs, then he’ll probably do it any time he wants. I really don’t want that.

It’s so horrible. I have bitemarks on my legs and my arms are bruised all over. He was so drunk, he kept calling me Maaya and Mimi. I really hope he never did anything like this to my mother. I feel so sick and hurt that I just want to burn my skin off. When I think about it too much I can’t breathe and I’m shaking so much.

I’m trying so hard to be strong. I just can’t. I can’t. I’m not good enough. I don’t know how to keep it all inside. I just want to puke and cry and hide, but he would just find me and punish me for being so pathetic. I want to be better. I want to be strong. I just don’t know how. I wish Cam was here to protect me. I wish he was here to show me how to be strong.

I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I don’t want to talk to anyone anymore.


End file.
